Predator Prey Relationships – A Six Part Series – 6.

In Initial Encounters, (previous post) it became abundantly clear that I needed some help with this whole idea of ‘hunting’ in Korea.  That being said, I am a Biology major, and a Korean men minor, so this is actually right up my alley.  Why did I even struggle with this in the first place?  If I can apply my ecological knowledge to Korean men, I might get some answers on how to hunt successfully, or if I play it extremely well, then I can force someone to prey on me, or at the very least, define the phenomena that are occurring.  So what do I know? Enough that we’ve got six entries on the topic, which might seem like too much, but bear in mind, I’m not in Korea this month (and therefore have no access to Korean men), and the Olympics keeps everyone busy.  Still it might come as a surprise that Korean meeting and dating habits fit exactly into well-defined and research ecological phenomena.

Yes, I’ve taken this a little too far.  But it’s all for the sake of education (and a result of a recent lack of time given the Olympics and a short sojourn from Korea).  Bear with me for the last of the series.  I will be back on track next time for sure.  I am missing those sexy Korean men like crazy and it is somewhat fitting that the last of the series is about humans as predators!  Among animals, it is indeed humans that are the best-organized and most powerful of all predators.  They are known to be clever, they can use tools in achieving their goal (soju, flaunting assets, flowers, jewelry etc.), they can and they easily cooperate with each other.  They have reformatted large parts of the world with the goal of predation, and Korea is no exception, with its huge range of social gathering locales, to be found anywhere, everywhere and at anytime.  As prey, it has been argued that without weaponry, a human is defenseless against natural enemies, which just goes to show that we all need some tricks, most of which are not instinctive and must be learned, in the wilderness of relationships and dating, particularly cross-culturally.

Speaking of which, in conservation, it is introduced predators that prove too much for populations that have not co-evolved with them, leading to possible extinction.  So while in Korea, it is unlikely that the Korean ethnicity will ever disappear, it has now become a serious concern to many of the ‘mixed-blood’ that is becoming more widespread with Koreans marrying foreigners and subsequently reproducing.  Furthermore, predators are often endangered themselves, if competition from other species becomes too tough.  This is not yet an issue in Korea, but I have before read that the sex ratio in 20 years time will be slightly skewed – specifically, the men will need to compete to get access to a female, not sure if this was a reliable source or not, but it will certainly be the case in China in a few years time.

After a six part series, and a fairly good review of my first year ecology textbook, I’m not sure if I answered my initial question.  I am still as equally clueless about hunting or getting hunted in Korea.

At least what I have done is demonstrated that a scientific evidence can be applied to social situations in Korea.  I bet all academia could work like this from applying quamtum physics to explaining the aerodynamics of girls whining flirting behavior, or theory of finance in order to explain the existence and appeal of couple t-shirts.

The lesson from all of this?  There is really no best answer for how to prey.  In fact, while a lot of behavior is definable, it is also predictable, and ultimately no fun. My advice? Be yourself and be natural! Say hello, where are you from? I stopped to talk to you because you are really good-looking! I like your shirt, or something along those lines.  It avoids a lot of complications, requires no planning or studying, and one doesn’t need to worry about anything. So much for all of this knowledge I thought I had.  KTYL.

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Predator Prey Relationships – A Six Part Series – 5.

Part 5: Antipredation

In Initial Encounters, (previous post) it became abundantly clear that I needed some help with this whole idea of ‘hunting’ in Korea.  That being said, I am a Biology major, and a Korean men minor, so this is actually right up my alley.  Why did I even struggle with this in the first place?  If I can apply my ecological knowledge to Korean men, I might get some answers on how to hunt successfully, or if I play it extremely well, then I can force someone to prey on me, or at the very least, define the phenomena that are occurring.  So what do I know? Enough that we’ve got six entries on the topic, which might seem like too much, but bear in mind, I’m not in Korea this month (and therefore have no access to Korean men), and the Olympics keeps everyone busy.  Still it might come as a surprise that Korean meeting and dating habits fit exactly into well-defined and research ecological phenomena.

Naturally, it’s not as simple as defining predators and recognizing their behavior, organisms have developed various anti-predator adaptations in addition to those discussed previously: there are several other factors one must consider.  There are several categories of antipredator adaptations.  The first is aggression which occurs when an organism uses exactly the same method it uses to prey on someone on their own predators.  In Korean social culture, this is reflected when soju is involved in any situation! Basically, somebody can get someone else drunk so as to be more comfortable with the situation, but they can also get drunk themselves for the same reason! The lesson here? Everyone should love soju!  Other techniques, employed by the zebra for example, can give a strong kick to hurt their predator.  Although I don’t support using violence, I suppose this is always an option.

My favorite, however, is known as mobbing behavior.  This is when a group can drive away their predator by acting cooperatively in attacking or harassing it.  This can be done effectively (but not very nicely) by pointing and laughing collectively at someone or less rudely, by moving to a different area of the dance floor.  It is possibly worth noting that mobbing usually occurs in species whose young are frequently preyed on, making it excellent criteria for explanations of the fascination with pop stars like teenilicious Girls Generation or Wondergirls, at least they are all out of middle school now though.  That being said, mobbing calls are also known to be made prior to engaging in harassment and can be recognized by other species!!! Girls can help other groups of girls, and in DongSeongRo, this is not uncommon! If a group watches a bikki in action, and sees him fail, they are less likely to engage with him as well.  However, once in the night club, different rules apply.  Known as terrain fear factor, this is the idea that the risks associated with predation are assessed different according to the terrain.  This means that a species might opt to go looking for some prey in an area with a lower predation risk, even if it goes against usual habits.  So, if a girl has failed to hook up from walking around, and after the bar, they might finally venture into a booking club, whereby the risk of getting preyed on is higher, but the chance of finding an attractive mate is possibly higher than the previous two situations.  She might not often do this, and she might not enjoy it, but Terrain Fear Factor forces her to behave as such and as such the opposite situation is just as likely.

There is one final anti-predator behavioral mechanism that is commonly employed.  It is known as advertising unprofitability.  This is great.  A gazelle for example, seeing a predator approach, will often start to run away, and then slow down and engage in a behavior known as stotting, which is to jump into the air with stiff and straight legs, with the rear exposed.  This is counterproductive if trying to escape a predator, but it has been found that cheetahs abandon their gazelles more often if they stot.  So maybe, if a girl is too slutty, dancing like a stripper, touching the floor and exposing her rear, this is just too much for most men, and they will give up!  Interpretation complete! KTYL.

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Predator Prey Relationships – A Six Part Series.

Part 4: The Predator

In Initial Encounters, (previous post) it became abundantly clear that I needed some help with this whole idea of ‘hunting’ in Korea.  That being said, I am a Biology major, and a Korean men minor, so this is actually right up my alley.  Why did I even struggle with this in the first place?  If I can apply my ecological knowledge to Korean men, I might get some answers on how to hunt successfully, or if I play it extremely well, then I can force someone to prey on me, or at the very least, define the phenomena that are occurring.  So what do I know? Enough that we’ve got six entries on the topic, which might seem like too much, but bear in mind, I’m not in Korea this month (and therefore have no access to Korean men), and the Olympics keeps everyone busy.  Still it might come as a surprise that Korean meeting and dating habits fit exactly into well-defined and research ecological phenomena.

So who are these predators? Singles? Marrieds? Just-for-funs? Why are they doing this?  In ecology, most theorists agree that predation is simply for survival, as a successful predation results in a gain of energy, even though the act of hunting itself does cost in energy.  It is said that if hunger is not an issue, most predators will not go hunting, as the costs outweigh the benefits.  This is simply not the case in Korea. I swear some people go hunting because they can. It’s cheap, convenient, fun, and ego-boosting, and they probably don’t know any other way of being.  This is me.  I hunt because Korean men are hot and always interesting, and even if I’m not out to get me some, I’m still out to get me future potential, just in case my current supply dwindles.  It doesn’t seem that animals behave in the same way, as a well-fed shark in an aquarium ignores all the smaller fish.  Not me! I’ve always got my eyes open.  This is known as surplus killing. I’m a surplus killer of Korean men!

While energy costs benefits are well researched and supported in the literature, so is the idea of social predation, which is the possibility that predators kill larger creatures than they are that a single member of their species is unable to take down alone.  In human terms, this could be related to a threesome or orgy or the handling of a nymphomaniac of such in that one or two of the opposite gender is not satisfying enough.  They need more and longer, just as pack animals need several attackers to take down some large herbivores for consumption.  No, I got it! It’s Bukakke in different words!!!

However, it also allows some organisms to hunt creatures that could easily escape a single predator, which is getting to dangerous territory human wise in terms of the potential of sex crimes, and not something I am willing to discuss at this time. But please be warned about social predation because it is said that even without complex intelligence, some organisms can destroy much larger and more intelligent organisms (in the case of ants) due to numbers and instinct alone!  Which is why one should never walk by or through drunk groups of military on the streets of Daegu.

On to the last predator feature, which is size-selective predation. How fitting for our purposes! This involves predators that have preferences for prey of a certain size.  In Korea, I don’t think there’s much variation in terms of selection compared to a Western population for example, but there is some.  However, if we consider size as representative of personality size, the theory fits nicely.  Some prefer those with big, outgoing, loud personalities, sometimes which are somewhat troublesome for a predator, resulting in prolonged or more frequent arguments, while smaller, quieter types might be hard to find (maybe they stay in more often, or don’t respond well to initial predation attempts), and both cases, will result in high energy expenditures, and low rewards.  Indeed there are several demonstrable correlations between the size of predators and their prey.  It is also said that size may be a refuge for large prey, which could be true in all senses of the word in Korea.

The last word on this is that satiated predators can live peacefully, co-habitating with organisms that they would normally prey on.  So it’s not fair to assume that all people are out hunting in packs, or that all women are looking to be picked up and hook themselves a boyfriend.  This is also support for the fact that men and women can easily be friends, with no interfering sexual factors.  According to this view, the interactions can range from peaceful coexistence, to close companionship, and ignoring the predatory instinct can result from mutual advantage, or fear of being reprimanded for the behavior.  This is a topic which I am particularly interested in exploring.  KTYL.

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Predator Prey Relationships – A Six Part Series – 3.

Part 3: Camouflage and Mimicry

In Initial Encounters, (previous post) it became abundantly clear that I needed some help with this whole idea of ‘hunting’ in Korea.  That being said, I am a Biology major, and a Korean men minor, so this is actually right up my alley.  Why did I even struggle with this in the first place?  If I can apply my ecological knowledge to Korean men, I might get some answers on how to hunt successfully, or if I play it extremely well, then I can force someone to prey on me, or at the very least, define the phenomena that are occuring.  So what do I know? Enough that we’ve got six entries on the topic, which might seem like too much, but bear in mind, I’m not in Korea this month (and therefore have no access to Korean men), and the Olympics keeps everyone busy.  Still it might come as a surprise that Korean meeting and dating habits fit exactly into well-defined and research ecological phenomena.

We’ve seen ambush, parasitism, specialization, trophic level, and the topic still isn’t old.  In fact, I believe I’ve left some important things to keep in mind at the recognition stages in terms of some adaptations and behavior.  Essentially, predation can be broken down into several stages: detection, attack, capture, and finally consumption.  Although predation is usually said to be detrimental to the prey, it sometimes has indirect benefits to the population as a whole, such that the organisms can maximize their future ability to avoid predation, like when a group of girls gets hit on by one guy, if he is rejected by the first girl, the remaining members of the group also know to avoid him!

Sometimes, one doesn’t want to be considered as prey at all and might employ the use of camouflage.  This is easy. Don’t wear make-up or high heels, or if you are male, grow yourself a huge beard (a real turn off for many Korean women) or wander around with a bunch of your buddies all of whom have short buzz-cut styled hair, looking as much like military as you possibly can.  Both of these tactics will work as camouflage.  Although the definition of camouflage actually means the species develop an appearance that helps them blend into the background, this cannot be taken literally in Korea. I recently accidentally was given a bowl cut bangs style haircut, and despite me thinking it was unflattering, I was complimented often by it!  Also, wearing Korean style fashion seems to make me more noticeable rather than less so!  So the golden rule that the more convincing the camouflage, the less likely the organism will be seen, does not apply entirely in this case.  Use a mask to cover your face, keep your pants long and loose and your tops high cut.  No predation guaranteed!

Not entirely unrelated to camouflage is mimicry, although I mentioned that mimicking the Korean fashion did not have  the effect of camouflaging me, I am certain that while a different form of mimicry might sometimes get one more attention, it is certainly not likely to produce much in the form of predation: slap on an ajumma visor, or an ajeossi hat.  People will just think you are a little strange since you haven’t gone all the way.  They will think that you think this is good fashion and won’t be sure if you are joking or not. A certain shield!  Be warned though, that mimicry is sometimes used to lure prey, so if an ajumma or ajeossi starts to talk to you about your excellent selection of hat, you will know why! KTYL.

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Predator Prey Relationships – A Six Part Series – 2.

Part 2: Specialization and Trophic Level

In Initial Encounters, (previous post) it became abundantly clear that I needed some help with this whole idea of ‘hunting’ in Korea.  That being said, I am a Biology major, and a Korean men minor, so this is actually right up my alley.  Why did I even struggle with this in the first place?  If I can apply my ecological knowledge to Korean men, I might get some answers on how to hunt successfully, or if I play it extremely well, then I can force someone to prey on me, or at the very least, define the phenomena that are occuring.  So what do I know? Enough that we’ve got six entries on the topic, which might seem like too much, but bear in mind, I’m not in Korea this month (and therefore have no access to Korean men), and the Olympics keeps everyone busy.  Still it might come as a surprise that Korean meeting and dating habits fit exactly into well-defined and research ecological phenomena.

Now that we know if a predator is a parasite or ambusher, (if you don’t, do some research!) we need to be able to recognize if we are likely to be the target of their predation.  Any type of predator is rather unappealing, so consideration must be given to the specialization of the predator.

Many predators specialize in hunting only a single species of prey, or rather, a single style of girl.  Typical to Korea, everyone has a definable and specific answer to the question “What’s your style?”, so within a glance, one can determine whether a person is cute or sexy style or whatever, and therefore can also choose whether they will be selected to be hunted or not.  Naturally, others are more opportunistic and will prey on almost anything (humans as a literal example!).  This is where some interesting predator-prey relationships begin, because the specialists are particularly adept at capturing their preferred prey, while those same prey are particularly suited to escaping the predator.  I’m sure there are many tactics to deter the efforts of a persistent ‘bikki’ (those slick guys in suits who try to coerce women into night clubs).

A further consideration is what is known as trophic level.  This presents interesting situations where predators are another organism’s prey, and prey are another organism’s predator.  Here we have the perfect description for Korean marriage agencies. Everyone remembers the trophic pyramid from like 7th grade biology with primary, secondary and tertiary consumers (and so on) and how the higher up on the pyramid the less doctors, lawyers and architects there are to marry, or something like that.  The predator at the top of the food chain (which means the one that is preyed on by no organism, Korea’s Lee Gun Hee for example, CEO of Samsung, or King Sejong, as another), are apex predators that actually may not retain this position if introduced to another habitat (say a dance club in Hollywood, for example).  However, many organisms (such as humans again, literally) feel that they can consume from multiple levels of the pyramid, which is where classification gets problematic, and we’ve all seen this too in Korea: the hot Korean girl with the comparatively unattractive foreign male, or the relatively less attractive guy hitting on anything and everything.

Now given all this, there are even alternative views (Richard Dawkins ring any bells to anyone?).  He posits that predation is in fact simply a form of competition.  This works on numerous levels in Korea: two people compete for one prey, or the predator and the prey both compete for the body of the prey organism.  Ah! Complications.  And that’s just what this whole business is. Complicated. No wonder Hunting is such a mystery.  Not even ecologists can define it, and they’ve been studying it for years among a wide range of populations.  Thankfully at least one person (your truly) is doing preliminary studies on a specific population: the downtown party-ers of Daegu.  There’s still lots to cover. KTYL.

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Predator Prey Relationships – A Six Part Series.

Part 1: Ambush or Parasite?

In Initial Encounters, it became abundantly clear that I needed some help with this whole idea of ‘hunting’ in Korea (the Konglish word that seems to mean picking up). That being said, I am a Biology major, and a Korean men minor, so this is actually right up my alley. Why did I even struggle with this in the first place? If I can apply my ecological knowledge to Korean men, I might get some answers on how to ‘hunt’ successfully, or if I play it extremely well, then I can force someone to prey on me, or at the very least, define the phenomena that are occuring when going out downtown or to any of the booking clubs around. So what do I know? Enough that we’ve got six entries on the topic, which might seem like too much, but bear in mind, I’m not in Korea this month (and therefore have little access to Korean men), and the Olympics keeps everyone busy. Still it might come as a surprise that Korean meeting and dating habits fit exactly into well-defined and researched ecological phenomena.

Predation is actually defined by an interaction whereby one organism (the hunting one, known as the predator) feeds on another organism (the prey, or the one that is attacked) such that the act of predation has no benefit whatsoever to the prey. Naturally this is not entirely the case in real-life preying, but you’d think it was by all the whining and protesting that the Korean girls occasionally display! They are really playing the prey part well! (try saying that with a Korean English accent). We are, for the sake of simplicity, going to ignore the existence of detrivores (the organisms that feed on dead organic material, which sometimes include parasites, although I am certain that they do exist in cultures the world over).

The first thing we need to consider is the classification of predators. There are several ways to classify a predator, depending on the nature of the relationship. Some people reduce it to two factors: how close the predator and prey are physically, and whether the prey are directly killed by the predator. For our sakes, let’s assume that kill and eat the prey are equivalent to hooking a partner. Although there are different levels to which one can be hooked, those can be left behind closed doors for now, otherwise I’ll end up with a novel rather than a blog entry on my hands.

Please note that I am describing predators in male terms today, but these can just as easily apply to women, with adjustments that would likely require some lengthy consideration (not for today). Ambush predators are the main ones to be careful of. These ones sit within striking distance, waiting to pounce. They might be the creepy guys at the edge of the dance floor who eye up everyone that comes in, before proceeding in for the kill, which usually involves grabbing the girl on her hips from behind. The girl then has to look around behind her at who has grabbed her, and then check with her friends for approval. If the man fails, he can retreat and try another ambush later on. Otherwise, some of the ambush predators use subduing tactics, such as by using venom (in the form of soju) or by disabling it a little (in the form of beer). Another form are the parasites! Ah, I hate these guys. These are the ones that just never give up. They are particularly noted for their close association with their prey, or indeed their host species. Parasites will only have one or a few hosts throughout their entire lifetime (or in this case, for the entire night). These ones are dangerous, because one can feel prolonged periods of discomfort as caused by a persistent parasite, gradually eroding down the fitness (or patience) of the host. Basically, these guys make you want to leave the place! And while you are enjoying dancing, drinking, talking, whatever, you will occasionally catch their eye, and notice that they are looking at you. This can drive one crazy!
So what did we learn today? Classification of predators: ambushers or parasites? Got any experience with either?

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Tying up (not down)

“If you sleep with me I’ll marry you.” We’ve all heard that, haven’t we? No? Maybe not in so many words, but enough people must have either used it, or been duped by it a sufficient number of times for a law to be subject to a legal revision! The old law was that men who ‘lured’ women into having sex with them by promising marriage was illegal. Now, it’s not! Fantastic news! Now it is legal for men to say, “If you hit up the sleazy love motel down the street, in the future I’ll take you to the sleazy wedding hall down the street in a few months” and then either forget they said it, change their minds about it, or blame their family for disagreeing to the union, without worrying about being sued. I wonder if this updating of the law is really going to affect how much sex people are having pre-marriage?

But more importantly, what about the other way round? Women who lure men into sleeping with them, with no intention of calling, talking to or seeing again. Is there a law about this? Is the legal system discriminatory or is the reverse situation simply non-existent to the extent that there have been no law suits? I suppose not. It would take one who is willing to take some shots to their pride I think. But it cannot be non-existent. In fact, I absolutely know it’s not!

I recently experienced this first hand and it was annoying. After a satisfactory hour at my place (no love motels for me: I have a Queen sized bed and some toys, and I’m working on getting a pink light for those that don’t feel at home without one), we lay in bed chatting and cuddling (I was in an uncommonly touchy mood), at one point he exclaimed his excitement at having a foreign girlfriend. WHAT? It wasn’t that I was being presumptuous and assuming that he was talking about me when he was just speaking generally, he was actually talking about me! I somewhat panicked, retreating to the bathroom and then the kitchen to get a drink. I subsequently suggested he head home. When he finally got up, I opened the door, smiled, thanked him for my orgasm (I do have some manners) and send him out without a goodnight kiss. He sent me a message when he got home: “I’m home now, goodnight and sweet dreams!”. He sent me a message the next day: “How’s my baby this morning? It’s a little cold- bundle up!”, and then later in the day “Did you eat something? How is your day going?” and then finally one more message later on, “I’ll call later and we can talk (heart)”… I screened the call when he did. Seriously? After one night? Was I deserving of this hounding? What did I do to make him believe that I was interested in him in more than for a few hours that one evening?
Has the art of having sex with no strings attached disappeared? Is it even an art? Do people really think that they are going to either get married, or get into a relationship after a few hours of earthly, visceral fun? Is it that some people simply have difficulty in separating the physical from the emotional? And if so, then why is this something that I can do so easily?

And the latter is very true. I have forgotten many an orgasm from many a man. And while I am thankful that they allowed me to get off, I do not feel any inclination to call them or see them again (with the odd exception for numerous reasons – Admittedly there’s been the occasional one). And what if the sex was bad? This is even more reason not to feel connected to that person. Get out of there and chalk it down to experience!

What I mean really to say, is that I don’t understand the law about getting handcuffed into marriage, or the new non-requirement to follow through, as the case may be, for either involved party. Handcuffs should naturally be used for other reasons. Strings/ropes/whatever should be used for tying people up, not for tying them down. Sex under false pretences can’t be that good, because I feel like one would constantly be aware of said pretences and unable to enjoy the full experience, and sex with expectations for the next morning, must be equally as distracting, if one is thinking about the next date, the wedding dress and the wallpaper color of the new apartment. My advice is that, if the sex is good, definitely hope to get some more of it in the future, but don’t bank on it because you’ll certainly have no problem getting another orgasm from someone else. And, if the sex is bad, feel thankful that you aren’t stuck in any pre-deal – at least you’ll have some interesting coffee topics later.

Ultimately, my rule is a simple one, it shouldn’t be that a marriage promise (or something symbolic of such) is required to get someone to bed, it should be the other way round: sex should be required before any future expectations start to develop. One doesn’t buy a dress or perfume without trying it on, or a book or movie without reading the reviews, synopsis, or hearing something about it from others, so why should sex and relationships be any different?

Test out the merchandise, get a free sample, and just hope that you don’t end up taking home a pathetic sample size of a product that you just can’t use. KTYL.

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Self-Entertainment

Solitaire of Another Kind

While I am talking about self-pleasure, it’s not exactly what you might immediately assume I’m referring to. Korea is a fantastic (elastic) place to get out and walk around in! Everywhere I go, I’ve learned to keep my eyes open, scanning the views. I strut my stuff as I walk by businesses and restaurants etc., always glancing inside to see if there’s any potential (every so often there is, and it makes me smile). Lunch hour is absolutely one of the best times to be walking about: crowds of men in their shirts and pants (ties and jackets off), and naturally, there’s always at least one that piques my interest.

This has culminated in some little games I play with myself due to, as mentioned many times before, sex on the brain. It also keeps me busy when I have no chance of getting some action in. The best places to play solitary are the social areas, which are the crown jewels for people watching (people are out to see and be seen at all times of day and night!)

First, (and I’ve mentioned this before as well – see Fresh Meat) is the “hot men I’d do” count. This can be played at anytime or anywhere and by anyone, and the rules are simple (and can be broken at anytime): as you are wandering about, use the following four labels on any man that you see: yes, no, depends on his personality, maybe if I were drunk – it really makes you think about the type of man you go for and it might surprise you how many you say yes (or no) to. It also introduces thoughts regarding pity or drunken sex and whether your standards drop, or simply change, depending on the circumstances – not something I had done before Korea.

Second, on the subway/bus/in the coffee shop/bar/enclosed space of any kind except for taxis, select at least one man that you have to do: considering the circumstances, there is usually one that’s of pretty solid quality, which just goes to show that there is a huge number of potential anywhere in the world at anytime.

Third and last, although this only works if you are with another person with the same sexual interests as yourself. At anytime, exclaim “yours” or “mine” which, naturally, represents whether you are claiming the person for yourself or forcing the person onto your friend. Childish? Definitely. Fun? Maybe, but it can be educational and spur discussions that might not have happened before.

So these are my games, but I haven’t yet heard of any Korean ones? If you know of any other kinds of games, then please let me know! The more I can pleasure myself with, the merrier! KTYL.

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How to Make your own Korean Pop Group

I bet that I could make some good money in the Korean pop industry as a performer, producer or choreographer. I definitely think that I have found the formula for success, but since I’m too busy with other pursuits if you know what I mean, I would like to impart my knowledge to anyone willing to give it a go.

There are several things one must consider before debuting. They are the following: name, look concept, members, dance moves, product placement, debut track and promotion. This might seem like too many things to consider for a noob, but read on and you will be veteraning it up in no time.

Name – Indeed this is the easiest part: choose a few random Roman alphabet letters, combine them with some numbers and you are done (previously used examples are: SS501, i-13, 2AM/2PM, 2NE1, H7, B2ST). Otherwise, just use letters alone and spice it up with some punctuation, for example: W.W.G.L.D is my first choice (What would Great Leader Do?) but don’t select the following: FinK.L., Baby V.O.X, G.O.D., D.J.D.O.C., H.O.T. or M.B.L.A.Q. Finally, if you don’t like either of these, simply misuse some mathematical formulae, as in the recent ‘f(x)’, which should be pronounced the function of x (rather than effects), I welcome you to select any of the following: (R.A.D.I.U.S), (a + b)2 (The Quadratics), d(P;Q) =p(x2 −x1)2 + (y2 −y1)2 (mEnsUrAtIOn&DeRiVaTiVeS) or even better, type your name into wingdings and use that! There are no rules as to how you pronounce the names, so you can make up anything!

Look Concept and Members- Choose a profession of some kind and incorporate props from that profession (I don’t think any of the following have been used: plastic surgeons, the recycling ajeossis, a Walmart greeter, Kim Jong Il). Next, choose a base color and then vomit rainbow over it and you are done. Every member must have a different definite style with a hair style that matches their persona. Usually there’s the tough one, the cute one, the sexy one and the nerdy one. But don’t stop there: why not add in the diligent, gloomy, kind one or the so-so or the nothing special one. Last step: at least three plastic surgery procedures on average per member.

Dance Moves – waves and/or pelvic thrusts. lots of them.

Product Placement – if you can’t get a cell phone or mp3 player to include in your music video, just ask the ajumma at the supermarket down the street to sponsor you, she might even be able to provide you with some visors for the video shoot. Or your local kimbap cheon-guk might work as well, plus then you can use all they have to offer for your props in the video (gimbap has a multitude of uses).
Debut track – Mix English into your Korean lyrics as much as possible. Choice words include any or all of the following: Charming, Charisma, Cutie, Candy, Chocolate, Condom.

Promotional Activities – Do a ‘comeback’ even though you never left! Sell out: get as many advertising deals with as many companies as you possibly can! Dance on TV as much as possible (dance like a girl if you are a man, and like a stripper if you are a girl). Write a blurb about yourself, submit it to the media, and it will be published as news. Finally, do a ‘making of’ type documentary including your dance training, some photo shoots, and some crazy dormitory antics and submit it to MTV. You’ll be rolling it in in no time.
Keep your eyes open for a couple of new hits that I’m working on: “my makkeolli brings all the boys to the yard” as my debut and “getting dweonjangjjigae with it” as my comeback. No doubt I’ll be hitting the booking clubs on tour in no time. I wonder if a sex tape a-la Baek Ji Young would get me some good publicity? KTYL.

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More Sexercise

Still looking to spice up your fitness regime? Of course I’m not talking weights and stairmasters. Today, I had a huge sausage with all the trimmings and I just don’t feel like hitting the health club tonight. So, instead, I am substituting one of my favorite hobbies, with one of my favorite free-time activities.

Last time, I discussed how location, position and duration could impact one’s workouts. However, that alone does not a sexual relationship make. There are many other factors to consider masturbation, ejaculation and other situational complications absolutely must come into play (as I previously mentioned – see Sexercise for details).

Orgasm
During the act itself, the level of orgasm will influence energy used. For example, trying to control yourself to avoid premature ejaculation, or an early orgasm, several times, by clenching, flexing, grimacing, whatever it takes, is not unlike how it feels to sprint that extra few seconds at the end of a jog, or complete that one additional rep at the end of a grueling set. If there is any trembling, shaking, shuddering, gasping, wheezing, moaning, growling, panting, screaming, shouting, or begging for more, although I have no proof, I can only imagine that this increases energy expenditure. Also, one must note the intensity and length of the orgasm, which can potentially range from a short exclamation, followed by a “Thanks for that!”, to an earth-shattering type dizzying eruption followed by a state of shock and unawareness, either of which I’ll take any day. Multiple orgasms are another story altogether.

The question I really can’t answer though: which is better, a real or a fake orgasm? At first I thought real would be better cause muscles unconsciously clench and there are other things that happen that cannot be consciously achieved, but upon further consideration, faking an orgasm is a lot of work. So I’m really not sure.

Post-Sex Behaviors
Do you run to the shower? Do you dress and get out as fast as you can? Do you sit up and stretch? Do you bathe in peaceful post-coitus bliss? Do you roll over and go to sleep? Do you hug, kiss, cuddle and engage in any sickening skinship behavior? Does your heart-rate return to normal within a minute, or 10? How sweaty did you get? Do you smoke? Do you hit the fridge for a snack? Do you get up and change the sheets? Post-sex behaviors are the equivalent of a cool down and should be done so as to prevent stiffness and future injury, both physically and emotionally.

Masturbation
Now, what if you are single with no prospects, hanging out solo, it’s the middle of the day or for whatever reason, there’s no option of getting anyone to partake in a workout with you? No fear! All is not lost! Masturbation can be a huge workout. The stretching possibilities alone are worthwhile, which is sometimes necessary to achieve the final goal of ejaculation for some, or orgasm for others. I personally suggest (for women) lying on your back with your butt against the wall, and your legs up against it. Using the wall, pull your body upwards so that you are balanced with your shoulder blades on the bed and feet against the wall, clenching your glutes as tight as you can. Obviously a manual digital workout is more involving, but the rabbit or an equivalent tool of the manufactured kind in this position gets you a fantastic workout, I promise. For men, I am clueless (anyone?).

Other
I haven’t even talked about kissing, foreplay, oral sex, group sex, the initial effort expended to get someone into bed, getting caught, avoiding getting caught, the consequences of premature ejaculation, or a number of other factors. Really, the lesson should be that sex really is exercise and should be incorporated into everyone’s daily if not weekly routines.

One more thing, I almost forgot: 1 Teaspoon of cream, not of the dairy variety, which is 1-2 teaspoons in volume on average in a single ejaculate, contains less than 15 calories, so the added caloric content should absolutely not be a deterrent for swallowing. Personally, I recommend sampling the Korean version of it: it was a tasty surprise! Have I missed anything out that you think needs addressing? KTYL.

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